Understanding
by mtm
Summary: Missing scene from "His Red Right Hand". Why did Jane feel the need to discontinue Bosco's morphine drip?


**A/N:** I feel they left a whole episode worth of stuff out of "His Red Right Hand"! Here is another snippet that I think might have happened.

**Chapter 1.**

The doctor had interrupted Jane and Lisbon in the middle of an argument, while the IV pump was beeping next to them alerting the staff that something was not right in Sam Bosco's room. Jane speeding out of the door left Lisbon facing a very angry doctor. She couldn't think of anything to say to her so she turned and headed after Jane. She really needed to know what the hell he had been thinking. There was more to his explanation about stopping the morphine than he had let on and she knew that this case was really getting to Jane.

She found him looking out of a window outside the waiting area on the ward. He looked exhausted and sad, enough so that a nurse stopped to ask if he was all right. Jane typically flashed his smile at her and assured that he was fine, but once the nurse turned her back, his smiled disappeared and his eyes found Lisbon and just for a second or two, she could see the pain and despair in his eyes.

"Hey", Lisbon greeted him quietly meeting him at the window.

"Hey", Jane answered turning towards her, but not meeting her eyes immediately. When he looked at her again, she could see that his eyes were clouded again with his carefully constructed mask, but it was very fragile and she could swear that she could still see the pain.

"Feeling numb is one of the worst things...", Jane started while looking out of the window. He visibly steeled himself for what he was going to say, thus also giving Lisbon time to get prepared for one of his confessions.

"When I was in the hospital, they forced me to take antidepressants and sedatives among other things and that feeling of numbness and helplessness, the inability to hear your own thoughts or to articulate them, was one of the worst experiences I have had. Feeling pain at least lets you know that you are alive", he continued looking at Lisbon, who was standing very close to be able to hear the soft words.

When he saw no pity or judgement in her gaze, he continued, " I also know how it feels like to not be able to talk to the people you love for the last time, before they are gone."

At this point his eyes had lost what little protection from the outside world that they had had and Lisbon could see the tears collecting in his eyes before he looked down again. She put a hand on his arm to try to offer some comfort.

"I want you to be able to have that", Jane continued softly looking up straight into her eyes.

Lisbon looked at him in shock. She didn't have a clue how to respond to that as she knew she couldn't lie to Jane that she didn't know about Bosco's feelings, not any more, not now. And she had thought that Jane was way too invested and wrapped up in the Red John case to not to see what was going on with other people around him.

"I...", Lisbon stammered looking at Jane, who was looking down at her with an expression that was a mixture of sadness, fondness and longing. He covered her hand with his and gave a squeeze giving a little sad smile. Lisbon could feel tears starting to threaten her own eyes and she couldn't cry here, she needed to be in control to solve this case, to keep herself from falling to pieces and she needed to get away from Jane as he could breach her walls with ease and she couldn't trust herself not to use him for comfort, especially when she knew he would allow it.

Jane put his hands on her shoulders leaning closer and whispered softly, "I will be waiting in the car, take your time." He knew that she needed time to compose herself and he needed it as badly if he was to function at all.

When he straightened up, Lisbon's quiet "Thank you" followed him with her looking at him with such sad eyes but with a hint of gratitude in them too, making him feel that he was able to help Lisbon, to be there for her. He hadn't felt the need to use his experience to help anybody before, rather using it to drive him forward in his quest for revenge and to keep his anger burning, but with Lisbon he couldn't deny her anything that was in his power to give.

Jane nodded at her and started walking away, but stopped when Lisbon's voice called his name, not turning, but waiting what she had to say.

"I'm sorry I called you a cold bastard", Lisbon's soft words conveyed the apology, to which Jane nodded once more and walked out trying not to let his tears spill over.

**-Fin-**


End file.
